Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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