so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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