He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
