I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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