WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
