the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize