I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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