I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
