Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
