Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
