I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
