Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize