went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
