My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
