I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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