I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
