this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
