I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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