Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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