My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
