I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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