she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
