At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize