I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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