what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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