Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
