I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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