Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
