you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
