My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
