I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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