i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
