your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he puts the penis in happiness.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
