I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
