Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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