Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
