if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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