Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
