did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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