i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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