I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
