then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
