there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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