I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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