at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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