During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I know her cup size but not her name....
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