wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
