Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
