I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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