I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
