The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
