dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize