What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize