Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize