I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
