what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
