And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
