and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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