Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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