I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
